The passage of time

I have been off drugs, alcohol, and caffeine for quite some time now. It wasn't very hard, I find with anything I don't really get hooked to it, or addicted. I keep doing something because I like it, as soon as I want to advert my attention its literally a snap. It helps me in relationships (to an extent), it has helped me with my battle against cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, and a destructive lifestyle in general. With all these toxins out of my body, I finally had the chance to sit down and think. I thought... goodness... I am getting old. Everyone is getting old. What the hell do I want to do with my life?

I still haven't come up with the important answer to the important question. This worries me greatly. Soon I am going to see Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax in concert, and in preparation I watched their Sonisphere concert in Sofia Bulgaria. Seeing them perform, I said to myself, I want to do that. But I am conflicted. I am not that great at guitar playings, I used to consider myself good at the drums but I haven't touched them in ages, and at best I'm a decent song writer. It is tough work, and how many countless lowlifes in bands are there in the world? I don't want to be one of those.

The other dream of mine was to be a scriptwriter. Even though I throughly enjoyed writing scripts for theatre, a few problems arouse. I discovered that I cannot be a conventional scriptwriter, No i Must be a script writer/ director. And even though being a director came frighteningly natural to me, the experience was stressful. As a scriptwriter/director I was looking at a life of stress, especially after watching What just Happened, I do not want a stress filled life. Also I discovered that the stereotypical broadway type weirdo actor and cast and crew person exists; The only way I could do this is if I matt damon ben affleck it. Which would mean write an awesome script, make an awesome movie, and there we go I'm famous yay thank you I accept the Oscar for being bloody brilliant. Unfortunatly I do not think I could ever amount to such brilliance, and just like with the band dream, how many desperate script writers are there in the world? It is a touch industry to break into, music and film.

Even though I might find the strength to pursue my dream eventually, at the moment I am at a loss. At this moment exactly I am at a loss of said strength.

I really hope I find it...